The Hostess Club
by Mister Melancholy
Summary: "By the forces of nature, the Hitachiin twins will turn into females!" Nekozawa turns the Hitachiin twins into girls as punishment, but somehow, they turn it into a sweet reward for everyone. implied HikaKao, crack
1. Sisterly Love

**The Hostess Club: Sisterly Love**

"_By the forces of nature, the Hitachiin twins will turn into females!" Nekozawa turns the Hitachiin twins into girls as punishment, but somehow, they turn it into a sweet reward for everyone. implied Hitachiincest, crack_

--

It all happened so suddenly, so awkwardly…. However did Hikaru and Kaoru have large pairs of spheres hanging from their chests, their hair longer and passing their butt by just a millimeter, their frame smaller and more hour-glass shaped? As they thought and thought, thinking of a solution of the burden they were currently having to deal with, they thought of one person: Nekozawa.

Ah, yes, this was all Nekozawa's doings. Evil, evil Nekozawa.

Hey, wait, why did he even turn the Hitachiin twins into girls in the first place?

…

Ah, right: Kaoru kept shining a flashlight at his face, and Hikaru always tricked him into go to a bright room. It all made sense now!

Though, why girls? Why not toads, or flies, or some other unpopular animals?

…

Pervert.

--

Hikaru was grinning as she (or was it he?) cupped her hands around her newly acquired breasts, feeling the soft, tenderness of her skin. "Fuck, I actually _like _being a girl."

Kaoru giggled, her voice having gotten higher and sweeter from the transformation. She grabbed Hikaru's wrists and wringed them back to his sides. "Naughty, naughty Hikaru! Don't be like Nekozawa." She winked.

"Who's Hikaru? I'm not Hikaru," the girl said in a teasing tone, seating herself on the bench of the changing room. She grabbed two extra yellow dresses, one for her sister and for herself, and started undressing, flinging the other one at her sister's direction.

The other girl rolled her eyes, undressing too. "Fine, _Hikari_."

"That's better, _Kaori_."

The two burst into fits of unnecessary laughter as they both fit into their dresses, swaying around.

"Ah, Hikari," "Kaori" said, their hands clutched in each other's, "I think it's better if we're girls."

"Agreed." "Hikari" was nodding her head as she spotted the Third Music Room, smiling. "Nekozawa has bad taste in punishment."

The two giggled, entering the music room together. They were greeted by the Host Club, minus the twins. Tamaki was the one who reached up to them, immediately starting to flirt.

"Ooh, twins! Your beauties are so equally symmetrical, I do not have the heart to decide which one I like. Would you care… if both of you would be with me?" Tamaki held out two red roses in front of them, showing off his white teeth in, smiling in the most refreshing way ever. He expected them to squeal, to say he was the best, but he got a different response.

Laughter.

Tamaki's arms fell down to his sides in crushing defeat and disappointment. When the laughing finally ceased to stop, Hikari was the one to speak. "Oi, Milord, it's me: _Hikari_."

"And _Kaori_," Kaori chimed in immediately after in a bubbly mood.

It took a few moments of shock which slowly evolved into confusion for the Host Club to register what happened to the twins: they turned into girls. Evil, prank-pulling, evil, evil, cute, female… hot… _sexy_, but still pure evil Hitachiin twins.

Haruhi was the first to break from the unbelievable trance. She walked towards the twins, pulling at their hair, but only got small yelps from each of them. "Ah, sorry. I just… can't believe you guys-"

"Girls," the Hitachiin sisters sang in unison, making Haruhi roll her eyes in response.

"_Girls_"-she calmed her state of being, still dubious about the whole Hitachiin-twins-turning-into-girls predicament-"You look so different."

"Uh-huh!" Hunny poked his bunny in front of the twin's faces, making them give him an irritated look. Hunny being Hunny, though, was oblivious of the glares. "You look like real girls; I didn't even recognize you two! Hika-chan, your hair smells so fruity and yummy! Oh, and Kao-chan, I like how you have a strawberry-ish perfume on you… and I really like strawberries, so it kinda makes me hungry! I think I want some cake now, but I dunno, would you like some too? Hika-chan? Kao-chan?" While Hunny was rambling on and on, with Mori picking him up, lecturing him shortly ("Don't."), Kyouya was suddenly at the twin's sides, angry.

"How do you suppose we do your Brotherly Love act now?" He snarled, his face turning vicious and scary. "You do know our profits will decrease, and I'm not a very happy man when I don't get my money."

"You're so much like Mr. Krabs, always thinking about money," Hikari whined, hugging Kaori, kissing her on the lips.

She blushed. "Oh, Hikari!"

Hikari and Kaori smirked after showing their latest invention. "Sisterly Love," the two said together, squeezing the palms of their hands in each other's as their cheeks started brushing against each other's cutely.

Haruhi and Kyouya, stunned for a second, started laughing. Tamaki later joined in with the laughter, even though he didn't know what they were laughing about, and Hunny suddenly joined in because he didn't want to be left out.

The Hitachiin sisters sneered, scoffing. "Ai, you're all such meanies!" Hikaru folded his arms over his chest, Kaoru mirroring the same movements.

Kyouya, pausing his laughter, said in a cool voice, "If you twins forgot, let me refresh your memories: this is the _Host_ Club. Not the _Hostess_ Club. Therefore, no Sisterly Love…" Kyouya trailed off, looking at the devious smile on the twins' faces, and finally understood. "Oh, the _Hostess Club_ idea…?"

The Hitachiin twins nodded. "You guys can dress up as girls," Kaori said.

"And if you're thinking about the merits you'll get," Hikari said, "girls will _love_ it, and some guys would, too. What's better than girls fucking at each other?"

Haruhi, upon hearing Hikari's last sentence, managed to excuse herself and ran to the bathroom. Tamaki was the only one worried at his daughter's expense, but his attention quickly reverted back to Kyouya.

"You're right." A smug smirk flashed across Kyouya's face as he sketched a few things down on his paper. "_Daddy_?"

"Oh, right. Hikaru and Kaoru"-Tamaki received separate glares from the twins, Hikari's a level scarier-"I mean, _Hikari and Kaori_, get some of the girly clothing and makeup artists ready! Kyouya, organize, keep doing whatever it is you're doing, and inform the princesses (any maybe guys?) that the _Hostess _Club will be a few minutes late! Mori, get the tables ready! And Hunny… decorate the place with as much girly material as possible! My daughter may be able to help, so when she comes back, tell her to help you!" Tamaki sat on his high chair as the twins came back with giant, fluffy, and overly frilly dresses and tons of makeup.

They started separating the Host Club members, once they were done with their jobs, and seating them in high chairs, dabbing on as much makeup and ribbons and other female accessories as possible.

Finally, after five minutes of getting ready, the Hostess Club was ready, and the Hitachiin twins anticipated, both too anxious, of showing their Sisterly Love.

--

The Hostess Club is… open!

Girls piled in with a few guys coming in, too. Most girls were awing at the place, giggling at the Hostess Club members beautiful dresses and looks.

"Ah, my female companions, is this not great? Do you not love the sight? We've done it all for this special occasion, which is why we were a few minutes late." Tamaki seated himself gracefully in a high chair, drinking from a glass with his pinky up.

"Oh, but girls are always fashionably late!" "That's just how we are!" "Ooh, I love the pink ribbons; they are so cute!" The girls were clustering all over Tamaki.

Tamaki, hiding his smile, started blushing. "Who would like to _braid_ my hair? I heard it as a commoner tradition, and it looks to be quite fun."

Girls started squealing as they took turns playing around with Tamaki's hair.

"Oh, and darlings, please call me Tamiko for today!"

Whilst the girls at Tamaki's area were busy with his hair, in Haruhi's table there were girls (and even a few guys) who were telling her about her "authentic girly features." Thankfully, everyone at her table was too dense to find out she really was a girl.

In Hunny and Mori's table, everyone was gushing at how cute Hunny looked in a dress. Mori wasn't able to look like a girl, but that didn't matter; the girls and a few guys were asking him questions of what it would be like if he _did_ dress up as a girl.

"Takashi would go by Moriko, because if he was a girl, he would be like a forest child, I think…. Or maybe Toshiko, because I really value him! Uh, what do you think, Takashi?"

Mori smiled and nodded while patting a napkin on Hunny's cheeks, the girls blown by their displays of affection.

At Kyouya's private laptop headquarters, he was smiling. Profits were increasing, and people were still coming in. In no time, the Host Club might have the full population of high school teenagers.

Kyouya smiled, not bothered by her itchy wig or the heavy makeup she was forced to wear. He wasn't even bothered slightly by the name the girls had given him ("Oh, Kyouya-kun, your Hostess name for today should be Kyoko!"), because if it meant he was getting money, it all paid for it.

At the twin's table, a huge group of teenagers were around their table, anticipating the moment of their "Sisterly Love." The two already introduced their Hostess names, and they were getting ready to perform.

Except, it wasn't really an act. Not to Hikari, anyway.

As Hikari pressed her little sister's head against her chest, twirling her long hair around her fingers, she couldn't help but thank Nekozawa for his bad choice in punishment.

Although, even though they really liked Nekozawa's form of punishment for right now, they wondered something: how did Nekozawa even _turn_ them into girls?

The world may never know….

--

**A/N: **A crappy ending to a crappy fic. xD And thus begins my Hostess Club crack (and may end it, because I don't like it)! I've been wanting to do this since I've first watched the Host Club do their little things in Host Club hours, but I never really wanted it to be serious, so I'm making it cracky. Hehe, I can just imagine Nekozawa as a girl; it would be cute. :3

So, just in case I don't forget and decide to write another Hostess Club thing, Tamaki is Tamiko, Haruhi is still Haruhi (but I was thinking of making her Harumi?), Mori is Moriko (or Toshiko), Hunny is still Hunny, Kaoru is Kaori, Hikaru is Hikari, and Kyouya is Kyoko? Yeah, I think that's right.

O.o


	2. Hunny and Mori's First Date

**The Hostess Club: Hunny and Mori's First Date**

_Because of a stream of nonsensical and weird events, the "new" Hunny and Mori go on a date, which is a lot weirder than it sounds. Mori/Hunny, crack_

"I get to play with Neko-chan! I get to play with Kiri-chan!" Hunny bounced around, Usa-chan squeezed in his left hand, and grinned cutely. Today was the day he got to play with Nekozawa and Kirimi, the Russian and sometimes portrayed as "Romeo and Juliet" siblings. It wasn't like it was his idea, though. It was all solely Nekozawa's idea; he wanted Hunny to come and play with him and Kirimi. Nekozawa was doing all of this only for Kirimi's sake. He thought that if Hunny taught him the ways of standing out to face light, maybe, just maybe, Nekozawa could finally break his fear of being afraid of the light, thus resulting in him and his little sister's happy ever after.

Even though Kirimi loved Nekozawa now and treated him as her older brother and prince, Nekozawa could never really play with her alone, out there, in the blazing heat of light, so he needed help, and Hunny was just the bubbly kid he needed.

Hunny loved that idea. Not only could he play with his new friends, he got to help, too! Of course, if they had cake, Hunny was willing to eat it, especially if it had strawberries on them….

Hunny shook the craving off. No, he wasn't going to think of cake right now, as tempting as it was. He needed to help Nekozawa and Kirimi. He was doing this for his friends!

As Hunny stood in front of the Black Magic Club's entrance, knocking softly on the door, waiting for an answer, Kirimi appeared by his side magically.

"Hunny-senpai! What are we gonna play first with Onii-chan?" Kirimi's eyes beamed, her face full of excitement.

Hunny's face showed the same exact reaction. "I was thinking we could play with Usa-chan! See?"-he shoved his pink stuffed bunny into Kirimi's face and laughed-"Usa-chan likes you. Wanna play with him?"

Kirimi nodded and took the pink plush, twirling it around. She stopped when she noticed a cat-like figure pop out of the entrance. It was Beezlenef.

The little inanimate object posed differently each second, and then finally Nekozawa appeared. "Ah, you are here. I will step outside in just a minute." There was a muffled yell. Nekozawa opened the door just a little bit and stepped outside, still in his black robe, and smiled elegantly.

Kirimi blushed and smiled, almost the same way as Nekozawa but not quite. "Onii-chan! We were gonna play with Usa-chan!" The blonde embraced the little doll and laughed. "He's so fluffy and fun! We could even play with Beezlenef, too."

Nekozawa nodded in agreement. "Just… let me take off my robe." He huffed, grabbing the black coat. Hunny and Kirimi looked up at him in awe ("Wow, Nekozawa, I can't believe you're doing this! Good luck!") with tiny smiles on their faces.

Nekozawa ripped of his black robe, a little _clunk!_ sounding behind him. Then, a rolling sound made its way, buzzing through the play group's ears, and a light emitted from the source of the sound and headed straight towards Kirimi.

With Hunny's quick reflexes, he pushed Kirimi out of the way gently, and the light hit him. Nekozawa, screaming, "No, Hunny-senpai, you shouldn't have gotten hit by the light! It wouldn't had affected Kirimi anyway!" It was too late for Nekozawa's words, though.

When the light finally vanished, Hunny stood up taller at least an inch with long, curly pigtails going down to her waist. Hunny was crying and hugging herself. "Wahh! What happened, Neko-chan?"

Nekozawa, still in a stunned trance, said, "I think my 'Lrig Bro' got loose from one of my inside pockets and activated."

"Lrig Bro?" Hunny, still crying, asked Kirimi quietly to give her back Usa-chan. When Kirimi did, Hunny gave it a tight squeeze and continued on crying her heart out.

"Backwards for 'Girl Orb.' It changes anyone into a girl, unless if they are already." Nekozawa sighed. "I used it to give those twins a lesson, because I heard Kaoru whine about girls in the bathroom, but I failed."

"Here, change into this!" Kirimi handed Hunny a yellow dress and smiled. "It's the least we could do, I guess. We're sorry about it, right, Onii-chan?" She stared up sternly at her older brother.

Nekozawa nodded, bowing before Hunny's presence. "I'll try to find a way to reverse the effect, but it's going to have to take a while. Please don't mention this to your friends or anyone else, though, especially the twins; they'll massacre me, I just know it."

"Ah… okay, Neko-chan." Hunny, already in the yellow dress, gloomily walked off into the unknown. She was trotting around aimlessly, hoping Nekozwa would finally turn her back to normal, but then she hit something – something _hard_. Mumbling a small "ow," she looked up and gasped. It was Mori.

Remembering what she promised Nekozawa, she said, "Hi, Tak- I mean, Mori… kun."

"Ah." The tall senior looked down to meet the small blonde's eyes and smiled. Earlier on today, Tamaki and Kyouya ordered Mori to find someone to have a small date with. That person had to be a girl, _not_ Hunny, because Kyouya thought it be beneficial if Mori was a bit more open.

Mori thought it be impossible to find a girl to have a date with, but now having bumped into this girl (whom reminded him vaguely of Mitsukuni for some reason), he was hoping to ask her out, get it over with, and please Tamaki and Kyouya. "Unh… I know we just met, I think"-Mori gulped-"but would you _please_ go on a date with me?" Wow, words and an actual _sentence_ came out of his mouth. That was… odd.

The "new" Hunny looked down. He couldn't possibly reject Mori. "S-sure!" Hunny mustered up all the enthusiasm inside her, which wasn't as difficult as she thought it would be. "What time, Tak- I mean, Mori… kun?" Hunny nibbled her bottom lip. It was weird Tak – no, Mori-kun – hasn't been noticing her making that same mistake again. Usually Mori was really keen about these kinds of things.

Mori smiled at the girl's reply. "Eight at night, today. I'll pick you up."

"Okay." Hunny smiled. Hey, a date with his best friend and lover wouldn't be that bad, right? The only problem with this whole ordeal was… Mori didn't know Hunny was Hunny.

"What's your name?"

Hunny, breaking out of his thoughts, said, "Oh, umm, I'm… Mitsuko! That's right, Mitsuko!" Hunny beamed. Then, she realized something; how was Mori going to pick her up anyway if he didn't know where exactly she lived? Even if he did know, it would be a problem. Sooner or later he'd find out his "Mitsuko" is really his "Hunny." Mitsuko blinked a few times cutely, and then said right after Mori turned around, "Oh, I… I don't think you know where my house is! But don't worry, I'll be waiting at the front gates of Ouran, okay? It'll be easier that way."

Mori chuckled at the girl's sudden burst of enthusiasm. "Agreed. See you at eight."

"See ya!"

As Mori left the blonde alone, she sighed. Mitsuko or Hunny, Hunny or Mitsuko? She'd have to remember to go by Mitsuko for the time being female. Also… she'd going to have to go shopping for a dress.

Damn it having no sisters! He didn't suppose Chika had any dresses…?

"Ah, Chika-chan, there you are!" Mitsuko bounced up to her younger brother, smiling. Then, the promise hit her head: don't tell anyone you're Hunny. The smile on Mitsuko's face furrowed into a frown. "Do you have… any… dresses… I can… borrow…?"

Yasuchika was drooling all over himself as he started thinking to himself. _A girl talking to me? Not to mention, she's a hot girl, but she kinda reminds me of Mitsukuni…. Nah, maybe that's just me. She sure is cute, though. Wait, what does she want with dresses? _"I don't have a dress, but I could order you one. It might take a few-"

"Ah, that's okay, Chika-chan. I'm glad you're finally being nice to me - oh! Never mind what I said! Hehe…." Yasuchika winced; he's been _rude_ to this girl before? "I'll go shopping instead! What color do you think best su- mmph!"

The younger Haninozuka brother smashed his lips onto the blonde's petite ones. It took a moment for Mitsuko to realize what her _own brother_ was doing, and just when the event registered into her mind, she pushed the boy away. "Gah, Chika-chan, whaddaya do that for?"

"Sorry, I couldn't help it." The brunette blushed. "I'll see you off. Sorry… again for what happened." He coughed into his left hand and turned so his back would face the girl. "It would be best not to tell anyone else of this." Yasuchika coughed once more into his hand, regaining his normal composure, and watched the blonde bounce off.

Mitsuko twirled around in her new pink dress. It was hard for her to pick one, because she usually wasn't the one to be buying dresses, but she decided on this because it looked to cute!

As Mitsuko hung around the Ouran gate, she noticed a limo coming closer. It was Mori, she knew it.

She waved as Mori stepped out, gently laying a soft kiss on Mitsuko's hand. The blonde blushed and was seated nicely next to Mori in his limo, his chauffeur driving them off.

It was silent all the way to the restaurant. Maybe even _too_ silent.

Mitsuko had been staring out into space for the whole ride, glancing every once in a while at Mori. Mori did that, too, but when their eyes met, they quickly turned back around and blushed. It wasn't too long 'til they reached the restaurant; things started getting really weird on their actual date. _Really_, _really_ weird.

Mori and Mitsuko walked over to their fancy reserved table with just the two of them and their waitress. Never once did they look at each other.

"What can I get you little lovebirds tonight? Ma'am?" The waitress stared at the small blonde senior, smiling. She got her pen out ready, adjusting her glasses on the bridge of her nose, and started jotting things down. Mitsuko stared at the waitress in disbelief; was that an alternate universe _Kyouya_?

Mitsuko shuddered at the thought. She turned her attention back to the waitress and politely said, "I'll have some strawberry cake, please."

"Alternate universe Kyouya" looked at Mitsuko in confusion, her jotting coming to a halt. "Is that all, Madame? Only cake?"

Mitsuko gulped as Mori stared at her, eyebrow arched. _Oh no, I think Takashi knows it's me! The real me!_ Nibbling on her bottom lip, she gave the waitress her cute Host Club impression while saying "yes" in the polite way he learned.

The waitress just sighed and asked Mori for his order. After the waitress left, not amused and out of ear-shot, Mori leaned in to whisper something in Mitsuko's ear: "Mitsukuni, is that you?"

Mitsuko shivered. "Hai, Takashi!" She blushed and put her head down on the table, her voice muffled a little bit. "Sorry, I promised Neko-chan I wouldn't tell anyone about me turning into a girl. Neko-chan accidentally used his Lrig Bro"-Mori's eyebrows furrowed at the mention of 'Lrig Bro' in confusion-"on me, and now I'm a girl! I dunno how to change back, but Neko-chan is gonna find out for me. He sure is great, huh?" Mitsuko beamed.

Mori smiled, his teeth flashing under the light. "First the twins, and now _you_? Who would be next? Kyouya?"

Hunny laughed, twirling her long pigtail around her index finger. "Ah, but Takashi, didn't you see that waitress? She was like Kyouya… I dunno why, but she really did seem like Kyouya, except she's a lot nicer."

The two laughed as they enjoyed their first date together with Mori finally knowing Mitsuko was Mitsukuni. Though, judging from their names and their similarity, it was pretty obvious that Mitsuko was Mitsukuni all along. Why didn't Mori catch that?

After a few minutes into the date, Mori was ready to lean in and kiss Mitsukuni for the first time on the lips. It was going to be their first kiss, and Mori wanted to treasure the mom-

"Oh, and Chika-kun kissed me on the lips for some reason! Te-he, he stole my first kiss. Weird, huh, Takashi?"

Mori, deep inside, fumed in boiling anger. He was going to _kill_ Yasuchika –

Right after their date, that is.

**A/N: **More Hostess Club crack. Another re-upload. Hurrah.


	3. Mori's Revenge

**The Hostess Club: Mori's Revenge**

_Mori takes his vengeance out on Yasuchika. Hey, Mori is a man of his word. sequel to Hunny and Mori's First Date, crack_

"Thanks, Takashi! I hope we do it again sometime!" Mori gently waved goodbye as he saw the blonde girl bounce off. A smile was fixated on his handsome, broad face, but that smile quickly turned into a grimacing frown once Hunny was out of sight.

_That stupid brunette is going to _die_ – die a painful and slow death, you hear me? How dare he steal my precious Mitsukuni's first kiss! How dare he! I was supposed to kiss _him_ first, and Yasuchika wasn't going to do anything. Why'd he even kiss _MY _Mitsukuni, anyway? Didn't Mitsukuni tell him he was Mitsukuni?_

_Well, that doesn't matter. "Mitsuko" looked like and acted like Mitsukuni anyway. Their names even sounded the same!_

_Damn that Yasuchika. Damn him!_

_Tonight, I strike. I'll grab a few supplies, rush into the Haninozuka estate, and destroy that little kid once and for all!_

* * *

Mori, items of mass destruction in hand, sneaked into the Haninozuka estate in a cinch. It was a good thing they were cousins, or else the butler wouldn't have let him in at eleven o'clock, nighttime.

…

Okay, well, so maybe he didn't really "sneak" into the Haninozuka estate, but he wanted to make himself sound cool… like Kyouya. I mean, wild? What sort of category is _that_? It's like he's a mad animal who loves carnage and will secretly eat his treasured bunny.

Like _that_ would ever happen. Sometimes he wished he was the cool type….

Anyway, back on with Mori's revenge: he knocked on the door. It took a few minutes before someone finally got off their lazy ass and decided to open it, letting Mori in. Mori nodded his head as a way of saying "thank you" and slowly walked in, keeping his cool stride. That was, until, he realized that the person who opened the door was none other than Yasuchika.

_You_, he said in his mind, his very being seething in a violent aura. Yasuchika didn't seem to notice, and he was groggily staring into Mori's soul, yawning. "Geez, it's so late. Whaddya want?"

_You_, Mori said in his mind again, the vicious aura around him growing bigger and bigger. He walked in front of the small brunette and towered over him greatly. Then, he cracked his knuckles and frowned suddenly. _You._

* * *

The very next day, Hunny walked into Yasuchika's room and screamed. His little brother was stained with bloody red! The sight was too horrible to look at; Hunny ended up crying his eyes out.

"Chika-kun! You know I hate ketchup!"

Yes, Mori's brilliant plan of revenge was drowning Yasuchika in ketchup. And it worked, for Hunny came rushing back to Mori and cried in his arms.

Vengeance sure is sweet.


End file.
